Dog Tired

I've been thinking about this post for a few days, but since I accidentally wore flip flops to work today, I figured I would finish the thought. 

Ever wondered why parents of young children are so tired? If you have young children, then you probably understand it well. If your kids are grown, you might remember those difficult days. Otherwise, you might be as clueless as I once was...

When Ethan was a baby, I would have done anything to help him sleep better. Anytime he slept better than usual, I would immediately question everything. What did I feed him or not feed him? What did he play with before bed? What book did we read? What's the room temperature? Exactly what time did we start bedtime routine and he fell asleep? Socks or no socks? Medicine or no medicine? Ahhhhhh! This lead to madness. We would over analyze everything and eventually come up with the same answer every time. All the sleep he has missed finally caught up with him. Or God knew we just needed a break. Whatever the reason, we were grateful for the rest. It is hard to carry on when you go a very long time between periods of rest. While preparing for adoption, we read to expect newborn like behavior after placement. Well Eli decided being up every single hour was better than every few hours. Nothing could have prepared us for Eli's terrible sleep patterns, even though it seems Ethan tried his best. We thought we knew sleep deprivation, but Eli (and jet lag) took us to a whole new level. 

Things we've done in our zombie like state:

•put refrigerated items in the pantry

•forgot to set a morning alarm (who hasn't really?)
•washed hair or put on deodorant multiple times (who can remember 2 minutes ago?)

•washed laundry without detergent 

•shaved only one leg

•put a child in the bathtub with a diaper still on

•used body splash instead of hair styling spray (it smelled like a perfume store while blow drying my hair)

The list goes on and on. And these are just the things we realize we messed up. (If you can think of more we've done, you can keep them to yourself!) Today on the way to work, Jonny Diaz's song Breathe came on the radio. I was reminded of Eli's recovery after surgery. Every time his oxygen levels would drop, I would silently beg him to breathe as I repositioned his head and the hose. Nothing was more important in that moment than breathing, resting, and healing. As I listened to the song, I decided to have a calm and positive day, especially because any day had to be better than watching Eli struggle. That theory was quickly tested as I stepped out of my car wearing flip flops. I immediately started making calls as I needed closed toe shoes to work in a hospital. All is well that ends well, I guess, as my coworker came to the rescue. (Thank goodness our feet are about the same size!)

My point today is to find rest. Not just physical rest and good sleep, but true rest and healing in the Lord. He will provide strength, calm worries, and heal hearts if we just go to Him. 

"He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams." Psalm 23:2

"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:29

"Breathe, just breathe

Come and rest at my feet

And be, just be

Chaos calls but all you really need

Is to take it in, to fill your lungs 

The peace of God that overcomes

Just breathe

So let your weary spirit rest

Lay down what's good and find what's best

Just breathe"

Breathe, Jonny Diaz

Cry Out

It's okay to cry. It's okay to cry when we receive bad new. It's okay to cry when something is burdening our heart. Sometimes we feel like a failure when we cry, like we've lost hope or lost faith. Babies and children cry because they have a need. They cry because we haven't satisfied this need and they want to make sure this need is noticed. Let's rewind to Gotcha Day. Many children cried because they were scared or they missed their previous caretaker. Even after the children accepted their new parents, they cried because they were hungry, tired, or needed changing. Each of these needs are important and recur time and time again. Does it make a child unreasonable to cry? Does it mean they don't believe their needs will be met? Or are these children just showing emotion and asking for attention? Yes, we tried to meet all of Elijah's needs right away but sometimes it took time to know what he needed. It was helpful when he learned sign language and could clearly express what he wanted.  Sometimes it was easy to meet the need and sometimes, as parents, we knew better than to give him what he wanted. 

As children of God, we are children at heart. We have wants and needs. Sometimes we cry because we need to let our emotions out. Sometimes we cry because this world is broken and we need to grieve loss and suffering. I beg you to cry out to Jesus and express what you need. I believe God hears our heartfelt and fervent prayers. I believe God loves when we pour out our hearts and open up our minds to him. Use the language of worship and prayer to thank Him and ask Him for help. He will lift you up, He will restore you, and He will bring you closer. I've never cried out or prayed harder than when my Mom was undergoing tests and surgery. I told God just how much we still needed her, how I didn't want her to suffer through treatment, and how it wasn't time for her to leave yet. Sometimes when something is really important to us, we cry. Not because we've lost hope or faith but because we want to express just how important this need is to us. God hears us. And while you may be asking what if he says no, I'll reply with but what if he says yes. We always have to remember that He knows best. He created us, has a good plan for us, and will one day call us all to join Him. In the meantime, cry out to your Heavenly Father and know that it's okay. 

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

Cry Out to Jesus, Third Day
The red lantern in the video reminds me of China :)

On Monday we met with our social worker to start our first post adoption report. I can't believe it's been almost six months since Gotcha Day! Today marks 4 weeks since Elijah's surgery. Thankfully only two more weeks of soft food. Elijah will definitely be happy to expand his food options again!

This is the one we chose for Elijah's baby box. It will contain items related to his adoption, his childhood, and our trip to China for him to treasure forever. So many things to include already!

Celebration & Reflection

Last week we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and Mother's Day. Sometimes it takes a milestone or holiday to reflect on who we are and how far we've come. I've now been married for a decade, which is almost a third of my life. It's hard to believe all the storms we've weathered and the celebrations we've enjoyed. As I think about my husband's best qualities, like patient, loyal, and loving, I am reminded of Jesus' love for his bride, the church. Spouses serve as a reminder of God's affection and companionship. Vows are a reminder of our faithful devotion and God's beautiful promises. Marriage is a reminder to have a humble heart and serving attitude. Of course our marriage isn't perfect, but I am grateful for the life we've built and the continual progress we make. May I be blessed to say in another decade that I've been married for almost half of my life! I see all around me just how important marriage is for families and generations to come. Three of our four parents have been diagnosed with cancer in the last six months. I've witnessed such amazing support in their relationships and I hope we always model that for our children. Our parents have been good examples for us to learn from and model our marriage after. Showing God's love through our relationships is the meaning of life!

This year I was honored to celebrate Mother's Day with two sweet sons. As I think about the journeys that led me to both of them, it wasn't easy but it was well worth it. Having two toddlers now means very little sleep and lots of mess. Sometimes I feel like I am consumed with cleaning up and trying to sleep. When will it end? All too soon I suppose. Soon my boys won't need me as much and I will miss their attention. Being a mother of young children is wholly different than any other stage in life. But we should still find ways to serve God in the minutiae of the daily grind. In the meantime, my daily devotion usually involves reading my Bible at work, listening to KLove in the car, falling asleep praying, singing endless children's songs, and caring for two of God's precious children. Motherhood is definitely the most frustrating, rewarding, challenging, exciting, intimidating, and incredible job on this earth. Nothing is more adorable than their faces or sweeter than their kisses. We are all blessed that God chose our Mothers and children just for us!

Your love is devoted like a ring of solid gold

Like a vow that is tested like a covenant of old

Your love is enduring through the winter rain

And beyond the horizon with mercy for today

Faithful You have been and faithful you will be

You pledge yourself to me and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

You Father the orphan

Your kindness makes us whole

And you shoulder our weakness

And your strength becomes our own

Now you're making me like you

Clothing me in white

Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame

And known by her true name and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

You will be praised You will be praised

With angels and saints we sing worthy are You Lord

And it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

Ever Be, Bethel Music

Recovery

Elijah is recovering well from surgery. We can tell he is hearing better, as he is startled by dogs barking and searches the sky for airplanes. His speech is developing, but we still have a long way to go in that department. Elijah has returned to daycare and is happy to see his teachers and fellow students. He is still on oral antibiotics and ear drops but requiring very little pain medicine. Elijah has a follow up appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday. Hopefully everything is healing well!

Hospital Stay

Elijah's oxygen levels were low overnight so he restarted oxygen and had a breathing treatment. Today he has done well on pain meds and tolerated baby food. Elijah has been more himself by smiling, waving, blowing kisses, and playing with toys. 

This evening Ethan visited Elijah in the hospital. The nurse kindly disconnected Elijah's IV for a while so the boys could run around the room. Elijah was obviously stir crazy and had energy to burn! Ethan chased Elijah, tickled him, and gave him kisses. Surprisingly, Elijah was not drooling while running around, even though it's typically worse when he's active. The speech therapist thought it may be more of an open mouth (awareness) problem than a cleft problem, but I'm hoping the palate lengthening will help control the drooling now.

The most exciting part of Elijah's recovery has been better hearing and the beginning of recognizable speech. Last night the respiratory therapist tried turning the oxygen up to 10L but it was too loud for Elijah. He has been very attentive to our voices and words. His babble is starting to sound more like syllables. Tonight he attempted to say Ali (which was pretty much Aaah) but he was able to say Mama! The funny part is that I've been working with him to say MaMa by touching his chest and saying Eli, then touching my chest and saying MaMa. So now when he says Mama, he touches his chest. Oh these little copycats!

Here's to hoping for a much better night and discharge in the morning. We really appreciate all of the prayers for healing!

(Couldn't get the camera to focus before they took off again!)

Surgery

Today Elijah had surgery at Brenners Children's Hospital. His palate was lengthened and tubes were put in his ears. It has been a really long day. We arrived around 7am, surgery started around 8:15am, he moved to recovery around 11:15am, and finally moved to a room around 12:15pm. Elijah has been agitated most of the day, especially when pain meds wear off. His biggest health concern has been oxygen levels. We finally removed oxygen after 8pm. He has run a slight fever but is starting antibiotics anyway. We really appreciate everyone's prayers for smooth surgery and quick recovery!

Officially Official!

Yesterday we received in the mail Elijah's Certificate of Citizenship. He is officially official! Elijah became a citizen on January 30 but his Certificate wasn't issued until April 6. Much like the rest of our adoption journey, the paperwork takes forever!

It's amazing how much we love this little guy. We can look back at pictures from Gotcha Day and see Elijah's wide-eyed shock. But we can also see his adorable smile as he quickly warmed up to us. Many people question whether they could love someone else's child as their own. That's crazy talk because adoptive parents (and step parents) do it everyday. It's not growing a baby in your belly that makes you love your baby, but the time spent dreaming of, thinking about, and preparing for him. Then you love the child so much before you even meet him for the first time!

The one hard lesson we learned on this journey, which we knew about but still weren't really prepared for, is how hard it is to love someone who doesn't return that love. We loved Elijah before we were matched with him and even more once we finally saw his sweet face. We knew it can be hard for orphans to attach and show affection to new parents. And quite frankly we had it way easier than most adoptive parents (thanks for all the prayers!). But those few times we wanted to hold, help, calm, or support Elijah and he wouldn't let us, were really difficult. Our human hearts are so fickle that is hard to maintain tremendous love when we don't receive it back. We are definitely happy that Elijah is very attached now. 

Thinking about this makes me incredibly grateful for a loving God that pursues me no matter how I behave in return. Even if I run, hide, hate, or even become apathetic, my God continues to love me. He wants nothing more than to hold, help, calm, and support me, if I will just let Him.

Whatever you need this evening, turn to your Heavenly Father and allow Him to bless you. Allow Him to envelope you in His arms, smother you with His love, and demonstrate mercy beyond measure. 

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Matthew 7:11

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him."

Psalm 34:8

"How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world."

Psalm 31:19